Seeing Through A Liberal Lens

OPINION | This article contains political commentary which reflects the author's opinion.

I don’t HATE people on the left, but I do make fun of them A LOT. If you’ve read any of my articles, you’ll know that I’m a little hard on them. But only because their ideas are the dumbest of the dumb, as useless as a box of pet rocks. Literally shyte. And I mean that.

When I’m being emotional or irrational (which I’m a sweetheart and would NEVER do), my husband calls me a feminist. It’s the gravest of insults in our house. Like, are you calling me smelly, angry without reason, unseasonably hairy, and extremely unlikable?? Yes.

Likewise, when my husband wants to do something I think is ridiculous, I call him a leftist, progressive, liberal, or Democrat. Want to go to Lowe’s Home Improvement, buy a bunch of stuff we don’t know how to use, and build something we’ve only seen once on Youtube? Okay, are you a Democrat Senator now? And also, yes, I’d love to ruin our living room for a few hours, let me get my shoes.

So because we’re always using these labels as insults to toss around, I wondered what it would be like to actually live like the left for a day. I tried it, and I’ve got to tell you, I’m exhausted. No wonder they’re so angry all the time! And I only made it for about an hour!

This is my life, with the brain of a liberal…

I’m watching a war movie with an Asian character whose last name is Wong. This is stereotyping from the writer and it’s disgusting. Wong’s character could easily have been adopted by a loving, gay, black couple and have the name Mosley. Write movie scripts that feature inclusivity or don’t write them at all. Today I’m a little ashamed of what the entertainment industry has become.

The LatinX guy in the movie spoke Spanish and I started thinking, why do we expect everyone to learn English? Why don’t we all learn Spanish as a nod to their culture? Well. Then I guess Spanish would become the language of America and it would be racist to require everyone to learn Spanish if that’s not their native language…I don’t know. Table this idea. Maybe we should change the official language of the country every five years to make everyone feel welcome. I like this idea a lot! Note to self: Have t-shirts and posters made. The next presidential election could depend on this. I’m so excited I nearly peed.

Honestly, I think it would be epic to remake this war story with an all female cast. It’s based on true events, but it could have easily been an all-female platoon fighting for their lives if not for the patriarchy keeping women away from the difficult jobs and holding us to men’s standards so we never make it. Men don’t want to acknowledge that women are better than men, so they won’t lower the standard and let us join them. Their fragile egos can’t handle the competition. Plus women could have stopped all war if we were sent into battle alone and men simply don’t want to give women that sort of recognition. They’re just jelly. It’s crazy how we have over 100 genders, and men are still trying to hold women down. I don’t even understand.

The Arabs in this movie have no problem sending women and children into battle against the US soldiers. The men know what these women and children are capable of even when the women seem unsure or the children question themselves. Arab men are clearly enlightened and not at all stifled by the patriarchy. They value the contributions of women and children like our Neanderthals never will. Thinking of backpacking through the Middle East next summer to experience their peace and tranquillity first hand.

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The only black man I’ve seen in the film so far is always angry and yelling at people. I know he’s a “kernel” or whatever…but it’s really not good for the black community to be typecast by this image. This real life character should have been replaced with an angry white man. A CIS white male. It would mean no black people would be in the movie, but at least it would be less racist! I wish more people were as compassionate as I am.

I’m really getting annoyed with the movie, it’s clearly written by a man. There’s foul language and toxic behavior in every other line. These men are walking, talking stereotypes of the men whose real life stories they’re portraying. It’s really quite ridiculous.

The film has pretty good reviews. I bet a woman wrote it and couldn’t get it published in the men’s club that is Hollywood. We have a heroine hiding in the credits somewhere! There’s a woman who made the great sacrifice of selling her work and allowing it to be published under the name of a man so this incredible story wouldn’t go untold. I hope more people can be this brave someday.

I didn’t make it to the end of the movie because I was distracted by Instagram videos, but I’m sure it was liberating in its toxicity. Oh, look! It’s a video of a cat chasing it’s own tail! Omg, I love cats!! I think I was a cat in a former life and that’s why I’m so strong and independent and like to scream at the sky. I wish more people were cats.