Trump’s “Major Announcement” Is. . . Not What You Thought It Would Be

After a very creative tease about a major announcement yesterday on Truth Social, Donald Trump has dropped some big news. There was a lot of speculation about what said announcement might be, but I think it’s safe to say that the only person who might’ve been on the right track with his predictions was some homeless dude in San Fran shouting on a street corner about crazy sh*t like, I dunno, Bee Jesus or the upcoming pigeon revolution.

Because only that hypothetical man is crazy enough to see THIS coming:

The official Donald Trump Digital Trading Cards are HERE, Y’ALL!!! I thought this day would NEVER COME.

. . . Because I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT digital trading cards literally ever until Miriam put this in front of my eyeballs. Frankly, I’m still not convinced she’s not pulling some elaborate prank because first of all, WTF, and second of all, if Donald Trump actually had something to do with these I feel like those cartoon portraits of him would have more in common with Henry VIII’s armor than they do.

But it is very, very real. And just in time for the holidays! (Just a disclaimer, if you’re trying to come up with a special gift to give the chicks in your life or on your favorite website/morning show, I think you’ll have better luck with the Twitter espresso machines. Please send us an espresso machine.)