Twitter Auctioning Former Staff Toys, Including Espresso Machines and Pizza Ovens

No war was ever won without a fair amount of pillaging, and Elon Musk’s forces are tearing through what’s left of Twitter HQ after two thirds of its staff have departed.

Next month, Musk’s Twitter will be auctioning off the toys and goodies that once occupied 97% of employees’ time at an event that is expected to draw a large crowd of unemployed, tearful techies.

“Items for sale include La Marzocco espresso machines and Rotisol rotisserie ovens, as well as commercial blenders and grinders, refrigerators, grills and griddles, fryers, braising pans, and pizza ovens, according to a list posted by Heritage Global Partners. Electronics and furniture available for auction include Apple computers and monitors, Google Jamboards, NEC projectors, phones and speakerphones, soft seats and furnishings, and hundreds of office chairs.

Also up for auction are a giant statue of the Twitter logo and a sculpture of the “@” symbol. The company is likewise discharging two novelty stationary bikes used to charge electronics.”

Sources have not confirmed whether the espresso machines will come with the tears of terminated Twitter employees with which to brew the heavenly bean juice, but if they don’t, I’m not interested.

Personally I can’t think of a more fitting end to the thousands and thousands of dollars Twitter spent to coddle its do-nothing employees. I mean, I guess I’d prefer to take a hammer to those obscenely hubristic statues, but some ridiculous million- and/or billionaire is probably willing to pay stupid money for them. I guess thinking about that kind of thing is why Musk is the richest person in the world instead of me.

(Speaking of ridiculous billionaires, I bet Sam Bankman-Fried is absolutely GUTTED that this auction didn’t happen before he went completely bankrupt. I wonder if Mommy and Daddy will buy him a consolation rotisserie to cheer up their little bubbykins?)

The auction will take place on January 17th, and registration is currently open. You know, just in case you wanted to buy an espresso machine or two for your favorite ladies on the right.