Before we get into this, I want to explain how I found this satirical article in the first place.
The four of us Chicks were chatting in our Chick Chat and talking about haircuts. We joked about how Daisy was going to dye her hair pink, which would TOTALLY be fine by me. As long as no one on our team gets feminist bangs on purpose, WE ARE GOLDEN.
That’s basically what I said in the chat, and I provided this picture as an example of what NOT to do.
Because I’m curious, I clicked through link on that picture. It led to a post on what might be the most hilarious headline of all time. Brace yourselves.
Alternate title: “I gave myself a bad haircut and made myself feel better about it by claiming it cleared me of white privilege.”
Just to be clear, THIS IS SATIRE. I repeat, THIS IS SATIRE. But here’s the thing: I didn’t realize that right away, which is sad because it demonstrates how much liberalism has blurred the lines between reality and, yes, SATIRE.
Liberal feminists have become parodies of themselves. Don’t believe me? Go on Everyday Feminism. This article would fit right in.
It was an easy choice for me. After becoming #WOKE to the evils people with white skin have committed, I knew I could no longer be a part of it. Now, you might say, “Brittany, you’re white, you’re from the suburbs, you’ll always be white.” But that’s where you’re wrong.
By giving myself an asymmetrical DIY haircut I have eliminated my white privilege.
Instead of going to my Mom’s friend Janice’s salon like I usually do, I decided to hack off my hair with a dull pair of scissors and some old clippers. When I had finished the result were clear — I had willfully given up my privileges in society as a young, beautiful, white woman. I threw on some thick-rimmed granny glasses to complete the look, and I was ready to start my new disenfranchised life.
HAHAHAHA. If you make yourself look different, you can magically revert yourself to victim status! Take notes, libs!
My new sharp and angular hair has enabled me to say things on twitter like, “White people must be stopped” without anyone so much as batting an eye. Who cares that my dad owns the 3rd most profitable Toyota dealership in Northwest Ohio? By cutting my bangs awkwardly short I have firmly aligned myself with the marginalized people of this country, and we gonna be alright.
The looks I get at Starbucks when I’m ordering my triple, venti, half-sweet, non-Fat, caramel macchiato are enough to tell me my hair is doing its job. The struggle is real out here for people like us.
HAHAHAHAHA. The struggle is real for people who deliberately cut their hair with dull scissors like a moron.
The SATIRICAL article states that the bad haircut says, “I’m not one of THOSE white people. Ugh,” without ACTUALLY saying it.
How many liberal feminists actually think that way IRL?
Don’t answer that question.
So if you’re sick of that icky, non-trending feeling that comes from being white in 2017, just do what I did: Find a pair of scissors and some clippers and get to chopping. The shorter the bangs, the better. If you want to really live on the fringes of society, choose some sort of bastardized bowl cut variation.
ANYWHO. That is why I was very concerned about the potential of one of us getting feminist bangs. Friends don’t let friends get feminist bangs.