Betty White Has Died, I’m Agonizing Over My Role In Her Death, And Daisy Is Asking Me To Pick Lottery Numbers

OPINION | This article contains political commentary which reflects the author's opinion.


First of all, if you haven’t heard, national treasure Betty White has passed away at the tender age of 99.  She was to celebrate her 100th birthday on the 17th of January, just a few short weeks from now.


By the way, this isn’t a drill.  I know there was a hullabaloo in the past where we had a whole bunch of people who Don’t Actually Read Stuff freaked out about Betty White dying a few years back, but that was a social experiment, not an actual death alert.  If you missed out on that earlier hullabaloo, it’s actually a pretty good story.  Check it out right here. It was even the focal point of a piece we wrote for the local newspaper before we were fired from writing for the local newspaper (that’s a whole other story). Check this out! 

We even discussed this with Seth Dillon of the Babylon Bee.  Check out the 20.30 minute mark right here:

ANYWAY, none of that even matters anymore because YOU GUYS BETTY WHITE HAS DIED FOR REAL.  And the reason I’m feeling particular angst over this is because WHAT IF IT’S MY FAULT?!??!?!

BEHOLD the conversation we had about this just yesterday.  JUST YESTERDAY, you guys.

I shouldn’t have said anything.  ARRRGGGHHHHHHHH WHAT DID I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  This was the last thing in the world I wanted to be prophetic about.  Daisy wants me to pick lotto numbers right now.  Should I?

I guess really the only thing to do at this point is to just stuff my face with junk food for the rest of the day.  I mean, I was gonna do that anyway, but still.

Also, our producer at Radio America, Vallen, who is ON TOP OF ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME and is basically amazing in every way, is the one that alerted us about Betty passing away.  We use Microsoft Teams as our preferred chat method, and I thought I’d let you in on the conversation as it took place.  The group for just us girls is aptly named. BEHOLD:

It’s so true, isn’t it?  It’s like 2021 just couldn’t let us have the last day without giving us a kick right into our collective balls.  Or vaginas.  Which brings me to one of the wisest quotes people always attribute to Betty White but that she never actually said:

“Why do people say ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”

Anyway, RIP Betty White.


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