The Key To Environmental Virtue

OPINION | This article contains political commentary which reflects the author's opinion.

If you care about climate change, there are a lot of things you should be doing differently. Fortunately, there are plenty of examples we can emulate from our celebrities and elected officials. They truly are the best of the best.

Pete Buttigieg recently drove his Suburban to a Cabinet Meeting, but he stopped just shy of his destination in order to unload his bike, get gussied up, and ride the last ten feet. It’s not about photo ops, it’s about saving energy, and we can all do our part. I drove to the park this morning so that I could ride my bike in circles around the reservoir. Yay, clean energy! That’s how it goes, right?

You could strive to be more like Princesses Meaghan and Harry Markle, Leonardo DiCaprio, Katy Perry, Chris Martin, Harry Styles, Nick Jonas, Priyanka Chopra, or Orlando Bloom, who fly around the world to lecture people on their carbon footprint. You’re probably just flying around willy nilly to visit your family, or create new memories with your kids. Wow peasant, could you BE any more selfish?

Here’s the thing: As long as you do things that seem climate friendly on the outside, you are a climate change activist, regardless of the net result of your actions. Sorry guys, but I don’t make the rules!

Drive a Tesla? Perfect. But your electricity comes from a grid supported by fossil fuels, just FYI. Push for solar panels and wind turbines? Please ignore the steel, concrete, diesel fuel, fiberglass and plastic needed to manufacture them. Thanks. Order an extra large recycling bin even though most of the plastic cannot be recycled? Not your problem, I guess! As long as we get the feel-goods from filling our bins, the outcome is negligible.

The choices are clear; you can either be a climate change denier and the worst of the worst, or you can be a climate change hypocrite to make yourself seem better than everyone else. If neither of those options are appealing to you, I guess you could live a sustainable life off the grid completely, but how will everyone know how amazing you are if you can’t update your social media hourly to tell them?

Seem crazy? Well these are just the times, my friend. Kinda of like how voter ID is racist, but vaccine passports are a necessity. Or the best way to condemn capitalism is sitting at a Starbucks, on your iPhone. You shouldn’t open your business, because, safety. But people can loot it, because, justice. Male promiscuity is toxic, but female promiscuity is empowerment. And also there’s no difference between men and women. People who never owned slaves should pay reparations to people who never were slaves instead of addressing modern day slavery. Or my favorite, raising your taxes is the only way to prevent a climate catastrophe.

I’m not saying the left is hypocritical or guilty of grandstanding. No, we passed that stage years ago. I’m saying the left is a bipolar trans chick on acid…bathed in the two dollar men’s bathroom cologne…ready to fight the patriarchy and bash white supremacist Nazis, be they black, white, or whatever…because his/her/xer favorite college professor who, in 25 years of teaching has never lived off campus, taught them in Tree Climbing class (that’s legit a course you can take at Cornell University, I’m not even lying)…that the world is going to end in seven years if they don’t stand on the corner naked…with electrical tape on their nipples…and scream at other people until they join them to do the same.

Does it make sense? Um. About as much sense as Joe Biden at a press conference. Trueininternationunpression. But, hey, they get to feel good about themselves, and I’m starting to think they don’t have many reasons to feel good about themselves. And they get to look down on you. That part is just a bonus. If you can virtue signal about climate change, that’s basically just as good as saving the world. And who doesn’t want to be a hero?