Four Students Arrested For Sexual Assault …With Cupcakes

Did you know you can sexually assault someone with cupcakes?

It’s um… probably not what you think. (What are you even thinking, you freak?)

Four former and current Connecticut boarding school students were arrested for doing just that. Sexually assaulting someone with cupcakes.

According to the New York Post:

Former and current students of a Connecticut boarding school have been arrested in connection with a batch of cupcakes befouled with bodily fluids and served to students and staffers, according to reports.

Oh. So THAT’S how that works… Got it.

The four teenage suspects — one of whom is a current student at The Gilbert School in the town of Winchester — surrendered Monday, nearly a year after the incident, and were charged with fourth-degree sexual assault, conspiracy to commit fourth-degree sexual assault and second-degree breach of peace, the Hartford Courant reported.

Police launched a probe last year when they learned that there was something suspicious about some of the cupcakes distributed to students and staffers at the quasi-private high school.

“They were made for certain kids and they were given on a day where they were handing out and certain people got certain ones,” Kelsey Owens, a former student, previously told WFSB.

“The kids they didn’t like got the ones with dashes through the ‘7’ so they knew those were the tainted ones,” Owens said.

So… not they’re not the slyest of criminals.

Ultimately, a state forensic lab was used to analyze the cupcakes and determined that a foreign substance of human origin had been mixed into the batter.

Fitzgerald declined to be specific about the substance the lab found, but noted that technicians had to perform DNA comparisons of the suspects, according to the Hartford Courant.

Police said they did not believe the substance used to taint the sweet treats was toxic or poisonous, and that no students or staffers became ill from eating them.

Which means I’m preeeetty sure I know what they used.

I mean… would anything but the “fluid” I’m thinking of be considered sexual assault? I don’t really know how that works…

The names of the suspects were not released because they were all minors when it went down.

And there you have it. Your most gag-worthy news of the day