OPINION: I Have 4 Theories About the Possible Outcomes In North Korea As Officials Work To Authenticate Reports Of Kim Jong Un’s Recent Public Appearance

As Mock told us last week, certain media outlets were reporting that Kim Jong Un, the glorious(ly rotund) leader of North Korea, had died. Since April 25th, however, there has been no confirmation of his death, sightings of the dictator, or really any usable information.

UNTIL NOW.

Well, sort of.

KCNA, the state-run news outlet of North Korea, reported that Kim attended the opening ceremony of a fertilizer factory. They released video footage of the dictator touring the factory, waving to adoring crowds, and cutting the factory’s ceremonial ribbon with a pair of tragically average-sized scissors.

However, no one has been able to corroborate this footage, and the world remains skeptical as to whether little Rocket Man actually did make an appearance. I have several theories.

• Kim is dead and the entire country has officially committed to a life-long reenactment of Weekend at Bernie’s. I’d like to dub it Uncomfortably Long Time in State-Led Denial at Kimmy’s.
• Kim is dead, but North Korean scientists managed to successfully clone him and released the most viable copy to take his place.
• Kim is dead, and they used his remains to make a bodysuit which his closest confidantes now take turns wearing in public.
• Kim isn’t dead, the footage is real, and this is revenge for all the memes.

With enough interest, COTR will be giving odds and taking bets on the possible outcomes. We are also accepting alternate theories at this time. Thank you for your participation.