‘I Need A Butt Shine Right Now’ – Beto O’Rourke’s Poetry Revealed.

Mockarena, Co-Founder

This is an Actual Story and I AM DYING, you guys.

So apparently Robert O’Rourke, who Daisy likes to remind everyone is IRISH AND NOT AT ALL HISPANIC WHATSOEVER, used to be a computer hacker and member of a group called Cult of the Dead Cow.

And that’s not even the weird part.

He also used to write fiction and poetry (some that was even about running over kids!) and called himself the Psychedelic Warlord, which of course is EXACTLY what you want in the background of a presidential candidate, amirite?

Let’s have a look at his poetry, shall we?

THE SONG OF THE COW, a poem by Psychedelic Warlord

I need a butt-shine,

Right now

You are holy,

Oh, sacred Cow

I thirst for you,

Provide Milk.

Buff my balls,

Love the Cow,

Good fortune for those that do.

Love me, breathe my feet,

The Cow has risen.

Wax my a**,

Scrub my balls.

The Cow has risen,

Provide Milk.

Oh, Milky wonder, sing for us once more,

Live your life, everlusting joy.

Thurst your hooves up my analytic passage,

Enjoy my fruits

Holy crap.


The Cult of the Dead Cow stole credit card and calling card details so that they could avoid having to pay for the modems they were using to do all of their dirty deeds, which of course just adds to the list of TERRIBLE ROTTEN AWFUL THINGS that Robert is guilty of, like DUIs and burglary. Again, things you definitely want in the background of a presidential candidate (/sarc). According to the sourcelink, the group also “posted pirated software, tools to hack Windows computers and distributed an essay called ‘Sex with Satan.‘”

There’s a book coming out about all of this, apparently, and Robert answered questions about it in an interview with the book’s author. And if you’re thinking, “Well, he was just a ridiculous teenager and has obviously wised up since then” then I should probably let you know that he said in the interview that being in that group “shaped his values later in life.”

He said, in fact, that “There’s just this profound value in being able to be apart from the system and look at it critically and have fun while you’re doing it. I think of the Cult of the Dead Cow as a great example of that.’

He also wrote an article when he was a teen about a moneyless society, saying, “I fear we will always have a system of government, one way or another, so we would have to use other means other than totally toppling the government (I don´t think the masses would support such a radical move at this time).”

THIS IS WHO IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.  Congrats, Democrats.  Way to pick ’em.

And even in this interview, which took place last year, he spoke FONDLY of his times with the hacking group which was doing illegal things, saying, “I was really at the margins, but I very much wanted to be as cool as these people, as sophisticated and technologically proficient and aware and smart as they were. I never was, but it meant so much just being able to be a part of something with them…understanding how the world worked – literally how it worked, how the phone system worked and how we were all connected to each other.’

Neat way to describe hacking don’t you think?

Anyway, Beto needed a butt shine, and I thought you should know that.