So, I’m skimming through my Facebook feed last night, and I see one of those “mom sites” that’s reminding me again how Amy Schumer is with child. Y’all remember Amy Schumer. She’s that Trainwreck-of-a comedian who jokes a lot about how slutty and disgusting she is when she isn’t being an anti-Trump, pro-abortion activist when she’s not busy being slutty and disgusting and whatnot. Coincidentally, she’s currently pregnant with an actual baby (that I’m assuming she’s keeping so far) so she’s like, super relatable and whatnot according to sites like Cafe Mom, especially when she’s puking in a cup on the way to one of her shows to joke about being a total slore. That’s right. Facebook has no issue suppressing conservative content these days, but listen – slinging this garbage into my feed is like, super duper relaaaaaatable to a working mom like me, dontchaknow:
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Turn sound off if you have a weak stomach. This was my ride to my show at @tarrytownmusichall tonight and a picture from the end of my set. I love doing stand-up more than anything and I hate cancelling shows. I have to postpone some until I feel human again. But i will make up these dates and we will have a great time. I’m so proud of my stand up right now and can’t wait to share it. Thanks to the amazing crowd tonight for being so warm and such great laughers and for being cool with my sweatpants and slippers on stage. Shots by @marcusrussellprice we are shooting a doc of me these past few months leading up to a special Im filming and you will see that I’m strugglin right now. But I’m so grateful and excited to be a mom. I’m grateful I have access to healthcare, as we all should have. But I guess what I’m really saying is Fuck Hyde-Smith and anyone who voted for her. My feelings on her are best expressed by the above video. And I don’t usually agree with speaking ill of crackheads, but she has a crackhead looking mouth. Tiny racist teeth confederate ass campaign with her crack mouth said she would attend a public hanging. #crackmouth #tinyracistteeth #hyperemesisgravidarum
So, Schumer has hyperemesis, which is a fancy medical term for severe nausea during the first trimester. She’s major pukey, y’all, like a whole lot of women before her. Aaaaaaand, she’s doing it into a cup. On video. Because she’s Amy Schumer, and of course it’s necessary to film this for everyone to see. Feel sorry for her, will ya?
Scorcese would be proud.
Of course, the political tirade is also necessary (and apparently relaaaatable to at least half of us moms out there, I guess?), because of COURSE it is in everything she does. I’m surprised she didn’t throw in something about killing all the babies. She’s usually really good at that (you didn’t know that, Cafe Mom, or did ya?).
Anywho, Cafe Mom was all over this video, because again – she’s “just keeping it real,” y’all! And listen – I can’t wait to see what’s next, and yes, that’s dripping in sarcasm. Are we going to see her get the really bad second-trimester ‘bacne’ and the off-the-charts nasal congestion that you can’t take any medication for and then there’s that dreaded Hillary-cankle. Or what about the flatulence and heartburn – also a lovely bonus, and you know she’ll want to put all that on film, so drooling mom-sites everywhere can tell us how relatable she is, especially after she’s been lecturing us for years on how babies are disposable and also making jokes about abortion in her standup routines. Neat.
Just so we’re all clear, my eyes are rolling so hard, they’re currently stabbing my brain.
I’m sure she’s going to film the birth, too – epidural and all. If she’s getting first trimester sympathy and Facebook-relatable shares from mom-sites for puking in a cup an then dropping an F-bomb about her politics (because OMG SO RELATABLE), you can count on it. But listen – good luck with motherhood, Amy. There’s gonna be a LOT more puke and poop and blood and tears and crap-tons of other bodily fluids in your future, and none of it will be from your actual body. All of it will be part of that thing called mothering, though. Your puke? That will be the least of your concern.
YOU will be the least of your concern. Or you should be, anyway.
Pro-tip for you, mom-sites: A trashy, pro-abortion celebrity puking into a cup on video and screeching about liberal politics while trying to constantly get personal attention isn’t relatable for all of us “real” moms out here at all.
So stop pinging me with your Amy Schumer-is-gonna-be-like-the-most-relatable-mom-everrrrr! crap. I’m not buying what you’re sellin’.