Liberals Keep Threatening Civil War, #SecondCivilWarLetters HILARIOUSLY Envisions What Their Side Would Look Like

Liberals keep threatening Civil War.

For the most part, we keep our mouths shut about it. Why?

Because educated estimates point at there being between 300 and 400 MILLIONS guns in this country.

I think it’s fair to say the VAST majority of the (legally) owned ones belong to Conservatives… So we don’t joke around. Most responsible gun owners don’t CALL for Civil War… but we WILL end it.

It’s kind of funny that the side that can literally be DESTROYED by the incorrect use of a pronoun is acting all tough.

The internet has decided to envision what the “Progressive” Side of this “Civil War” would look like…

And it’s HILARIOUS.

Let’s take a look…

Dearest Jeffrey,
I have arrived at my regiment’s headquarters, Starbucks Store 8396. There was confusion at first as I thought it was the Starbucks in the Safeway parking lot, but it was actually the Starbucks within the Safeway proper. I shall write again. #secondcivilwarletters

— Aubrey bear (@NotReallyABear2) July 3, 2018

BAHAHAHAHA.

Darling Jeffrey,
We have orders to attack the Chick Fil A at dawn. We’ve each been given a standard issue black mask and brick, plus a sock to load our heavy valuables into that will also be our melee weapon. I am worried about battle but our cause is dear.#secondcivilwarletters

— Aubrey bear (@NotReallyABear2) July 3, 2018

This girl is on FIRE!

Beloved,
Our battle went well. We attacked when we awakened which ended up being long after dawn, but our enemy was caught unawares & suffered many casualties. Troop spirits are high & I write with a happy heart. The war will be over soon! Victory is ours! #secondcivilwarletters

— Aubrey bear (@NotReallyABear2) July 3, 2018

Jeffrey, my love,
The Resistance continues to do well. Today we attacked a Hobby Lobby & the enemy suffered heavy casualties. The battle of the yarn section was particularly bloody as a knitting class was caught mid-session. Will be home soon I think. #secondcivilwarletters

— Aubrey bear (@NotReallyABear2) July 3, 2018

Sweet Jeffrey,
I am once again a prisoner, as the fascists found us out. They’d placed a spy within our ranks, a sweet trans woman named Rodney who turned out to be a cis patriarch named Rodney. Rodney ratted is out and we’ve been captured. Meditate for me!#secondcivilwarletters

— Aubrey bear (@NotReallyABear2) July 3, 2018

Things have changed rapidly, Jeffrey, as our enemy it turns out has all the guns we’ve been trying to outlaw all this time. Regiment after regiment has fought valiantly with Molotov cocktails, nail studded bats, & shoddily homemade bombs but alas we falter #secondcivilwarletters

— Aubrey bear (@NotReallyABear2) July 3, 2018

I AM DYING OVER HERE.

Of course, she’s not the only one to give it a go:

My darling,

Georgiana is dead; nobody gave xer a trigger warning before discussing biological sexual differences. Now, I must wield glitter in glorious battle. If I fall, spread my ashes in a Starbucks bathroom so my fight may continue beyond death.#secondcivilwarletters

— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) July 3, 2018

My dear,

Yesterday, we took the Starbucks and burned it. Now we find we have no air conditioning or wifi, and I write this to you on the last piece of toilet paper. I shall write to you no more. Remember me as I was: a gender nonbinary biped!#secondcivilwarletters

— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) July 3, 2018

Dearest Significant Other,
The air stinks of cordite. Holed up at the Javits Center, we came across Saint Hillary’s cache of fireworks from Black November. The Village Transgenders attacked the Red Hats using fireworks for cover, to no avail. All is lost. #SecondCivilWarLetters

— James Woods (@RealJamesWoods) July 3, 2018

“My dearest non-binary significant other. I hope this letter finds you and your boyfriend well. We are trapped, my 3 non-gendered furry companions and I are set to be captured. Please, tell your boyfriend I love him as well.” #secondcivilwarletters

— Funny Libertarian (@funlibertarian2) July 3, 2018

OMG. “BLACK NOVEMBER.” OMGGGG.

#SecondCivilWarLetters Dear Fellow Resisters, we have secured our transportation for the attacks by sea. Please contact me for our secret location. Ps, wear sunscreen. pic.twitter.com/2LDf0oQqEG

— Patricia G Rocco (@pix_er) July 3, 2018

The libs tried too, but they FAILED:

My beloved Harriet —

I write to you with a heavy heart. I was gravely memed during a skirmish with a squad of Incel Irregulars. Doc Tibbens says there’s nothing for it — he will have to amputate my Twitter feed.

Womp womp — Jed. #SecondCivilWarLetters

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 3, 2018

WOMP WOMP is RIGHT, Patton. Your attempt is as much of a fail as everything else you ever do.