Ivy League Educational-Pillar-Of-Excellence Harvard University Gives Us “What What in the Butt: Anal 101”

Back in 1993, I applied to Harvard University’s summer school program and got accepted. I was a state-school girl, and I wondered what the big deal was about Harvard.  I got in for the summer, so I figured what the hell.  I’d go.  So I got in the car, drove from my home base of Atlanta, Georgia, lived for a handful of months in a crappy apartment in downtown Boston, commuted to Cambridge every day, and attended classes for expository writing.

Yep.  I went to Harvard in ’93.  It was an overpriced summer in New England where a southern girl could see how New England Ivy Leaguers lived and learned, and I figured I’d gain some sort of Harvard-esque intelligence that I wouldn’t get at the University of Tennessee.  I actually thought that.

(Insert eyeroll here).

My downtown-Boston apartment didn’t have a kitchen, the linoleum was peeling, it was dirty, practically unlivable and obscenely expensive.  I’d eat a cheap bagel with cream cheese every day for breakfast, and I’d nurse a diet coke for lunch, and then I’d usually have whatever I could figure out I could scrounge up for dinner.  I just remember being surrounded by a crap-ton of doctoral students who were waiting tables and working at bookstores.  I walked everywhere, and I lost about 12 pounds that summer without even trying.

Ah, to be young and wide-eyed again.

After spending months being a Harvard-ite, I remember realizing pretty quickly that the university wasn’t any better than the University of Tennessee in Knoxville, frankly.  I didn’t gain any extra magical, special-sauce knowledge.  It was just more expensive.  And yeah – I became properly disillusioned about this at the end of the summer (that’s about when the credit card bills started coming in).  But I don’t regret my decision to go.  It was eye-opening.  And Boston?  What an absolutely gorgeous city.

But IMHO, I believe that the Ivy League thing is kind of a total sham. At 46 years old, after having been there and done that – even for a summer – after having lived now as a working person in actual life, and after having taught at the university level?  An education is an education is an education. If you have money to burn, awesome for you.  I mean, you can pay big bucks for Ivy League, or you can just go ahead and just set your money on fire (or send it my way – I love boots and shoes).  Either way, really.  Because going Ivy League doesn’t guarantee you smarts.  It doesn’t guarantee you success.  It doesn’t guarantee you crap.  Because in the end, it’s not the piece of paper.  It’s what you DO with the paper.  Or really, what you don’t do, if you’re ultimately relying on a piece of paper or the phrase “Ivy League” to be the sails on your boat called life.  Good luck with that, Skipper.

Anywho – that’s my unsolicited five cents (with a summer at Harvard).

And nowadays, it’s really tough for me to take Haaaaaaaahvard seriously at ALL when they pride themselves on being social justice warriors above all else, plus they’re busying themselves teaching SEX classes. Because they’re doing that, y’all.  They’re offering an actual workshop on anal sex.  Because that’s what Ivy League IS these days, Ladies and Gentlemen.

That’s right:

The workshop was held as part of the Ivy League university’s Sex Week, which launched Monday and runs through Nov. 12. Titled “What What in the Butt: Anal 101,” the event drew nearly 50 students.

At one point the presenter leading the workshop passed out gloves and butt plugs to students as she offered instructions on anal relaxation techniques.

“Remember it’s all about practice, practice, practice,” said the presenter, Natasha, a representative of the Cambridge-based adult shop Good Vibrations.

Showing students a special medical-grade butt plug, she said “a local guy named Greg makes these—salt of the Earth!”

Identifying the event with the sexual positivity movement, Natasha said the goal was to “encourage people to go after their desires and not feel shame.”

My favorite part of the description of this anal-sex workshop was this, though. Hands down:

Noting “not all men have penises, not all women have vaginas,” she added “the butthole is the great sexual equalizer. All humans have a butthole.”

Did you get that morsel of higher intelligence?  Buttholes are our EQUALIZERS, folks.  We are all ONE, not because of our humanity or because of what we do as human beings or because we’re all connected souls or something, mind you.

It’s our BUTTHOLES.

Damn, Harvard Einsteins.  That is deep.  I totally want to drop $240,000 for my kid to go there right now so she, too, can expand her brain and learn how to use buttplugs and then come out of college without one single, solitary tangible skill to speak of that will help her get an Actual. F***ing. Job.  Y’all are pushing people’s craniums to the limit.  Oh wait – that’s not what you’re pushing at all, you Grade A perverted idiots.

And this is why I want MY kid to master a trade.  (Seriously, hon.  You can take the college money we’ve saved and invest the crap out of it.)

GAWD.

Aaaaaand, listen y’all.  I’m apologizing in advance, but Mock insisted that I conclude this post with this horrific song (we watched it in our office today and laughed maniacally):

You’re welcome.  I guess.

Harvard, everyone.  Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahvahd.