Just Who Is Going To Pay For All That “Free” Crap Bernie Keeps Promising?

Every time some nitwit on my Facebook and/or Twitter feeds proclaims that Bernie Sanders is the freaking Second Coming because he’s going to give America free college and free health care (which we supposedly already have and it sucks monkeyballs) and free child care and free ponies and free unicorns, I want to smack them over the head with my Economics 101 textbook. Bernie’s like a 70-year-old high school kid running for student-body president, promising pizza every day for lunch and water fountains that dispense Mountain Dew and that the latest super-popular boy band will perform at the prom this year – he can talk big and promise shiny things, but then reality hits and at some point you have to face “Who is going to pay for all this?”

Of course, Bernie’s plans will involve “taxing the rich.” The “Rich” being some nebulous, undefined group, because even small business owners are considered “rich” (and, having been raised by small business owners, people who own businesses aren’t exactly tooling around on yachts and smoking cigars made of $100 bills). Nobody seems to know who exactly these EEEEEEEVIL rich people are – all these Millennials know is that they’re supposed to hate them. Because the rich, old, white dude told them to (as opposed to the rich, young, black dude that said the same thing eight years ago, and nothing’s gotten any better).

Over the weekend, Millennials’ Lord and Savior #FeelTheBern made the rounds on the news and talk shows and some rather inconvenient things came up from some unlikely places. First off was this segment on Real Time with Bill Maher (so it’s not like this was Bernie going onto some conservative opinion show expecting to get pummeled with logic and facts). Maher’s audience was certainly fawning over the crusty Socialist. But Maher (who is clearly a Bernie fanboy at this point) keeps coming back to this silly idea of someone having to pay for all this “free” stuff and how there’s no way – even with what Bernie keeps repeating about taxing Wall Street – that there’s going to be enough cash to pay for all of his stupidity –

Bernie keeps talking about “other countries” – but as Red Dawn pointed out recently – one of those countries, Denmark, isn’t doing so hot under socialist policies right now (they’re kind of blaming it on racism, but that excuse isn’t going to last long). And let’s not even get started on the train wreck that is Greece.

(You get the feeling Bernie can’t actually talk about anything else besides “American is the only major country on Earth that doesn’t… [fill in Socialist pipe-dream here]”?)

And then there was this bit with George Snuffleupagus (who, let’s be real, is totally in the tank for Hillary and can’t be pleased at all to see his queen getting beat up by this deranged old guy), wherein Bernie was forced to admit that, yes, taxes will go up on EVERYBODY to pay for the “Bernie Sanders Purple Unicorn Socialism Plan.” Daisy already talked about this, but I wanted to post it here too, just to emphasize that even the Magical Socialist Messiah admits that socialism is not this happy-cheerful-super-awesome magic pill that’s going to make all Americans’ lives better (equal misery is probably the best we can come up with on this) –

Basically, we’re all still going to be paying for “free” college – the money’s just going to funnel through our taxes first. All because Bernie Sanders is a deranged, babbling Socialist lunatic and the young voters think that his insanity is actually going to work.

A very small part of me wants to see Bernie Sanders get elected and try to implement these programs and then these kids’ll see just how terrible these ideas are. But the rest of my logic soon catches up and I realize that they’d never blame Crazy Uncle Bernie for this and they’d never connect the dots that his crappy proposals are what made things worse. They’d blame Republicans for ruining #FeelTheBern’s perfect plans (because that’s what they do) and then I would be stuck paying for their college and health care and whatever else they demand.

I hate socialism. Hate it with the burning fury of a thousand suns.