Someone Call The Wambulance For These Journalists!

OPINION | This article contains political commentary which reflects the author's opinion.

I’ve been out of town for a while, so I’m trying to catch up on important news and events. As always, it’s a bit of a soup sandwich and I’m not even sure where to start, so I decided to start scrolling headlines and I was distracted by what I would’ve bet my good knee was a Babylon Bee or Onion article. 

Vice “News” wrote, “Reporters who Survived the Capitol Riot are still Struggling.”

Survived. 

This is not a drill.

Journalists, and I use that word loosely because there seems to be more acting and activism involved than journalism, have come together against an common foe. Their trauma from the events of January 6th has led them to commiserate as they journey towards healing. Some have sought therapy. Some brave the Capitol building by mustering their strength and fervor while suffering on the inside. Some, Vice doesn’t say who, won’t go back into the building. All have been shaken by “the toll that day took on them”.

One particular twat-waffle, Erik Wasson from Bloomberg News, said he’s had guns drawn on him by Cambodian soldiers while working overseas, but this was different. It was “traumatizing”. When flagpoles came through the window of the House, he just knew guns would be next. Wasson now suffers from PTSD and is fighting with his wife. It’s probably because he has a bigger vagina than she does, but that’s merely my professional opinion.

Some reporters thought they were in danger due to the insurrection and hid, only find out they never were in any danger, but the damage was done and they were scarred nonetheless. Others felt pro-Trumpers would target them specifically, though no one except their parents could pick them out of a one-person lineup.

If you’re confused, don’t be. One cannot even begin to understand the narcissism behind this entire article. Don’t even try. 

Journalists have actually died covering war torn countries in the past. They have risked their well-being and their reputations to uncover uncomfortable truths. This ain’t it.

If the Capitol riot was your civil rights moment in front of dogs, fire hoses, and Democrat run KKK, you’re an idiot. If you heard a commotion in the building next to yours, thought it was about you because you are SO important, hid in your office and peed yourself, and now can’t interview people without having flashbacks, you’re an idiot.

If you’re a normal citizen you may wonder, were journalists were targeted on January 6th? Were any of them killed by protesters? The answer to both of those questions is no. In fact, the only people who suffered injury connected to that day’s events were Trump supporters. Of the five people who died, one unarmed person was shot by a Capitol police officer. The rest died of natural causes like heart disease. None were reporters.

But maybe some journalist was on the receiving end of some mean stares or something.

It’s a good thing those BLM protests and riots were mostly peaceful. Reporters were literally dodging bullets at the George Floyd memorial, about 20 people died in riots this year, and there were billions of dollars in damage, but reporters managed to emerge unscathed. Well. Left-wing reporters did. I can think of a few conservative journalists who’ve been attacked while reporting the news, but I guess that’s just not as terrifying as sitting at your desk in the Capitol and hearing a scary noise, oh noes!

I’ve never had less respect for mainstream journalism than I do right now, and I’m not the only one. Social media is roasting Vice alive and I’m here for all of these Twitter comments.  Let them have it!

When you’re done laughing at Vice News, feel free to look back at other times reporters were being little biyatches. Seriously, I’ve seen squirrels with bigger balls.