Live Free, Live Hard

OPINION | This article contains political commentary which reflects the author's opinion.

The very best part of my day, tied with seeing my little cherub-faced children smile in the sun, was reading this story about Bruce Willis refusing to put on his mask. Maybe it’s because he’s eternally masculine and attractive, or maybe it’s because the story made me hear every epic line from every Die Hard movie ever. Either way, I pictured myself in the Rite Aid aisle next to Bruce Willis cheering him on.

I am not 100% mask free. I’d say I’m more like 90%. I wear a mask walking into and out of the sanctuary on the Sundays that we go to church. I wear one to the daycare I go to once a week to teach an hour-long class. If a store employee tells me I need to wear a mask I tell them I can’t wear one and walk past, or I stand there waiting for them to wave me through or put their foot down. I try not to return to places that put their foot down.

I have severe asthma, I have chronic bronchitis and pneumonia, and I have heart problems. I’m not putting on a mask unless I care a great deal about the peace of mind of the people I’m going to be around. If I DIDN’T have all of those issues, I STILL wouldn’t wear a mask without a damn good reason. And I haven’t seen any of those yet.

I really don’t have anyone bother me too often. If someone does ask me about a mask, there’s not much that can be done once I tell them I can’t wear one. They’re not allowed to ask why not, and they’re so used to compliance that they usually stand slack-jawed for a few minutes before simply waving me through. But I live in a small town, I imagine bigger cities are a bit more stringent about these things.

If you’re one of those dickweeds who likes to yell at strangers in the store to put a mask on while yours stays below your nose, or you touch it constantly with your unwashed hands, please learn to mind your business. You have NO idea why someone is or isn’t wearing a mask, and whether it’s for health reasons or for their own personal freedom, it is seriously NOT your business.

If you see a fellow citizen being harassed by some of these maskholes, feel free to channel your inner Bruce Willis and give them a YIPPEE-KI-YAY of solidarity. As we near a FULL FREAKING YEAR of recycling your moist ass breath through those unsanitary coverings, I assume we’re going to see more and more people who are simply over it.

If you wear a mask for your own health and safety or for compassion to others, I don’t judge you harshly. BUT! I have prepared some responses, inspired by old Brucey-Bruce, in case you’d like to join the land of free faces and find yourself confronted by the opposition…

Mask, who gives a shit about a mask?!

Come out from behind the mask, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…

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Thanks for the advice.

Why don’t you take THIS under consideration, mothereffer!

Channel Bruce Willis, but not TOO much Bruce Willis. I do NOT recommend firing a gun or crawling through air ducts after any of these statements, even if you think they will increase their effectiveness.

*Update*

Bruce Willis has since apologized for his “error in judgment“. NOOOOOO!