Pope Francis Claims The Overweight Are Victims To Their Own Diets

Karen Ashley

Lock up your Tupperware! Assault food is on the loose!

All hail our new expert nutritionist – the Pope! Firstly, shouldn’t he understand the ramifications of gluttony? In that case, people who consciously make decisions to pursue something they know is bad for them is not victimhood…

Oh no, I’m a victim to all the cavities I have from the globs of candy I eat every day! But I JUST. CAN’T. PUT. IT. DOWN. Then, I HAVE to wash it down with something and acidic soda is clearly the more convenient option. *shrugs* What’s a girl to do on a budget?

“Nutritional disorders can only be combatted by the cultivation of lifestyles inspired by gratitude for the gifts we have received and the adoption of a spirit of temperance, moderation, abstinence, self-control and solidarity,” he said.

I feel like people will definitely alter this narrative to fit their own understanding and desires…

Furthermore, what you eat is not the only component in maintaining a healthy lifestyle and making healthier choices. What about exercise? How about drinking more water? What about forking (no pun intended) up a tad more money upfront for something that will last longer (but that involves cooking and actual effort – OH NO)? What about choosing foods that your body can actually break down?

There is a myriad of alternatives to choose from that will help people refrain from becoming overweight.

“To escape from this spiral,” he concluded, “we need to promote economic institutions and social initiatives which can give the poor regular access to basic resources.”

Uhm. Food Stamps. Need I go on?

I guess it’s just another ploy to deflect from another scandal. Who knows.

I’m tellin’ ya, it’s the sporks. Those darn little inventions of pure genius should clearly be outlawed.

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