Cosmo Publishes The Most Cringe-Worthy Article Of All Time

Ashley (Kimber)

Cosmopolitan is well known for total garbage articles like “How to Blow Your Man (And Your Back Out)” and “Sexy Food I Can Stick Into Body Openings” Ok, ok…. I made those both up, but they’re definitely on brand.

Earlier this week they published this, and let me tell you folks… it might be their cringy-est yet.

So what does this chick think is waaaaay hotter than sex. Well…. hold on to your hats. Someone ACTUALLY wrote this:

Yup, you read that right. You’re not having a nightmare. This is real.

When it comes to sex, the internet has pretty much all the porn any woman could ever ask for. But if you’re like me, you may be looking for something to get your rocks off in a totally nonsexual way. Thus, I have created a comprehensive list of things that are probably way likelier to give you an orgasm than sex.

 

1. Rachel Maddow telling me everything is going to be OK. I need a Rhodes scholar in a blazer to calm me down from the world’s insanity, and Rachel’s just the intersectional feminist to fit the bill.

IF YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO ACHIEVE ORGASM FROM LISTENING TO MADDOW SPEW HER NONSENSE THAN FROM SEX, SEE A SPECIALIST IMMEDIATELY.

Hooooly smokes. These nuts like among us, gang! Real people think these thoughts!

Here are a few more of the “super sexy things” this crazy person is in to.

3. A compilation of men laughing at my jokes and not responding with their opinion. Just an all-climax highlight reel of guys politely listening.

“Feminism isn’t about hating men.” – A bunch of man-haters.

6. Girl-on-girl compliments. I’m talking “you tell me I look cute, I tell you you look cute” kind of action. This is the future liberals want.

If this is the future liberals want, would you mind getting out of our way when it comes to important sh*t? Thanks. Your nails look great.

12. Former President Barack Obama kitesurfing with his pal, Sir Richard Branson. Honestly I just like that they’re friends.

 

13. Michelle Obama in any dress by any designer because there’s not a silhouette this Princeton graduate can’t obliterate. The Obamas deserve two categories on this list just like they got two terms. I said it.

I take it back. Your nails look awful.

15. More TV and movie characters that reflect how women actually speak and not some dude’s wet dream. We’re not sex robots, we’re human. Women can be wives and moms and daughters and girlfriends and doctors and lawyers and engineers and all of the above or none of the above. Women can be anything. And contrary to popular opinion, we’re never too old to be our true selves (or Leo’s wife, damn it). But we are too old for antiquated gender roles. It’s 2017. Manic pixie dream girls don’t exist but three-dimensional women do!

You’re watching the wrong shows, BB. Or maybe turn your tv off for a while. Pick up a book. Think your own thoughts. That may be difficult for you, but it would sure do you a world of good!

Oh boy…. Seriously, this is the grossest thing Cosmo has ever done, and that’s saying a lot.