Attention Townspeople: The Phrase ‘Mother Of All Bombs’ Is Sexist

Hannah Bleau

On Thursday, the United States dropped the “Mother of All Bombs” on ISIS in Afghanistan. We destroyed some of their tunnels and killed 36 militants. But ignore that. The bomb’s nickname is super offensive and kind of sexist, don’t you think? I mean, MOTHER of all bombs? MOTHER? M O T H E R = female. Females = breasts. Breasts = ladyparts. Ladyparts = feminism. Feminism = outrage at absolutely EVERYTHING.

I’m confused. Shouldn’t feminists be honored by this? It’s the most powerful non-nuclear bomb ever used in combat. If anything, shouldn’t feminists be flattered? Officials attached femininity to the bomb that wiped out some of the world’s most dangerous, sexist, homophobic, rape-y terrorists. GIRL POWER WOO. But nah. SEXISM!

It’s hard to tell these days. Isn’t it?

Who wants to bet they’d be screaming sexism if we called it the “Father of All Bombs.” Any takers? Speaking of…

Let’s recap, shall we? Tomahawk missiles are racist, and MOAB? That’s sexist. Besides, we can’t just go around assuming a bomb’s gender like that.