WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS if you can’t deal with frank and open discussion about human sexuality. I’m serious. I don’t want a bunch of people with their panties all twisted freaking out on Facebook that there’s an article on our website about sex. I AM WARNING YOU that this article is about sex. So if you are already outraged and offended, just close this page right now, and go about your day.
I’m serious. This is your final warning.
OK – ONE MORE WARNING for the extra curious people. THIS ARTICLE IS ABOUT SEX. THIS IS YOUR TRIGGER WARNING. THIS IS YOUR SUPER DOUBLE EXTRA FINAL WARNING.
You still with me? OK. Let’s begin.
First of all – I know. I shouldn’t even bother visiting Everyday Feminism, one of the most accidentally and unintentionally hilarious websites in the history of time and space. But I can’t help it, you guys. Especially when they have columnists who write drivel like this.
According to writer Ginny Brown, a separated polyamorous “speaker and educator specializing in sexuality and relationships,” there are “3 ways men wanting to focus on her pleasure during sex can still be sexist.”
That’s the Actual Title of her piece, you guys.
She says that sometimes, when she hears a “hetero guy” talking about how important women’s pleasure is, she cringes, because she’s had a bunch of sex with a bunch of men who claimed they were all about her pleasure, but she still felt like their needs and desires were more important than hers.
Why? Well, because “this is very much a gendered phenomenon in a heterocentric culture. It has its roots in toxic masculinity…”
I know. I rolled my eyes at that line too. But since Ginny has also had “queer” relationships, in which she hasn’t felt the same sexism, then obviously this is all about the evil patriarchy.
And because of our culture’s toxic masculinity, she warns the reader early on in her piece that she intends to use binary and heterocentric language, but also reassures us that when she says “woman” and “man” she absolutely intends to include trans people.
Is that like a reverse trigger warning? I can’t even be sure anymore.
There’s another warning she offers to straight men who might read her piece:
“You’re likely to feel some anxiety and defensiveness as you go through this – if you haven’t already. And that’s okay. ”
Anyway, I know you’re all dying to know the three ways pleasuring women is sexist, so here you go:
- “The Focus Is Still On HIS Achievement.”
Ginny says that if a woman has a “body-shaking” orgasm, then it’s because of the man’s skill and prowess, and that if she DOESN’T, he feels like a failure. In turn, women feel anxious about satisfying mens’ egos, which leads to faking pleasure to benefit them. This then becomes a power thing, which means the woman’s body is something for the man to “manipulate.” And that means that an orgasm is something that a man DOES to a woman, rather than “a gift from her own body which he helps draw out.”
Listen – I don’t think we should be denying men their props for satisfying their partners. This may be TMI, but I’m far more likely to tell my husband that he is an amazing lover than I am to say that he’s really good at “drawing out the gift of my own body.”
I mean, seriously?
2. “He’s Still Primarily Focused On His Own Enjoyment.”
Ginny writes that women may feel pressure to perform visibly by being louder or moving around more because it’s visually stimulating. And that it’s worrisome, apparently, to focus more on the erotic enjoyment of the man than it is on your own pleasure as a woman. It’s dangerous for women, Ginny says, to prioritize “looking good to male eyes” over our own experiences.
What a load of garbage. Ginny’s problem is that she’s so hyper-focused on feminism and seeking out sexism at every possible opportunity that she practically dismisses the male experience altogether. Apparently it’s not in the realm of possibility for women to simply enjoy giving pleasure to their partners. Nope – the only reason we could possibly want to do that is because it’s how we’ve been socialized.
Ginny warns that if you’re a dude, and you talk about how much you love seeing and hearing your partner climax, then you might be “setting up a sense of ‘do this for my pleasure’ in your female partner.”
I can think of fewer things worse than being a dude involved in a sexual relationship with Ginny.
3. “He’s Looking For A Gold Star.”
If a guy says that he enjoys performing oral sex on a woman, that’s basically auto-corrected in Ginny’s mind to, “Doesn’t that make me awesome?”
In Ginny’s world, apparently, no guy can possibly genuinely enjoy performing oral sex on a woman. They’re only saying that to score some sort of “extra credit.”
I read that part of Ginny’s piece, and couldn’t help just feeling so much pity for her. And also wondering WTF is wrong with her that her thought process about sex is so completely damaged.
And then I remembered. Feminism.
The bottom line is that Ginny thinks that women’s pleasure should be only about women’s pleasure – NOT how women’s pleasure makes men feel or look great. Ginny is, obviously, woefully unaware that it’s OK and even awesome when those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.
Ginny spends some time telling women how they can get their men to be less sexist. It’s all about communication. For example, she says women can tell their partner, “When you talk about how hot I look, it actually takes me out of myself and makes me self-conscious instead of being able to enjoy the moment.”
(FYI Mr. Mock – if you’re reading this – when you tell me how hot I look it is FABULOUS and I encourage you to keep doing it, because I’m not a feminist weirdo.)
If you’re a dude, and you’re planning on any kind of sexual relationship with Ginny, Godspeed to you, my friend.