Sen. Elizabeth Warren Says She Is ‘Not Running’ For President

Hannah Bleau

There’s been a bunch of speculation about Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s presidential aspirations. Will she run in 2020? I mean, she didn’t seem too happy about the possibility of Oprah running. Many interpreted that as, “She doesn’t want the competition!”

Who knows.

But good news! There’s one less crazy person we have to worry about in 2020! Warren is NOT planning on running (although you know how these people are. It could change on a whim). Fox News’ John Roberts spoke to her and mentioned that certain groups want her to run, but they’re worried that the issue of her #FakeHeritage will come up. There’s an easy solution to that problem. They think she should muster up the courage and take a DNA test. Spit in the tube. Settle the rumors.

But you see? Warren doesn’t have to do that, because she’s not running for POTUS anyway. So she can continue to comfortably lie about her heritage. After all, the people of her state don’t seem to care.

Cool. Proof please? (No. Cheekbones don’t count.)

“… I know who I am because of what my mother and my father told me…” Wow! Sounds concrete to me!

No. But a DNA test could.

I’m now convinced Warren isn’t running in 2020, because she knows there’d be a tremendous amount of pressure for her to take a DNA test, and she doesn’t want to deal with that. That’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it.