Marie Claire Publishes The Most Repulsive Story Of All Time

I guess everyone must be really interested in anal sex lately, because EVERY FREAKING MAGAZINE wants to talk about it.

A few weeks ago people were freaked out that Teen Vogue was giving teenaged-girls instructions on it.

NOW Marie Claire wants to give women with IBS instructions on it. As in women with IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.

Now, it seems to me that if you have IBS, you probably shouldn’t want to stick foreign objects in your already irritated bowels…. ( I don’t think you should want to anyway, but that’s just me).

Marie Claire magazine thinks you should TOTALLY go for it.

Warning: This is pretty extreme.

For me anal sex has always been a turn on. And like anyone new to anal, I did my research and learnt quickly that whatever you do, you must: Lube, relax and enjoy!

 

That advice has seen me well and I have had no problems nor horror stories from participating in anal despite suffering with IBS. That’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome, in case you didn’t know. 1 in 5 people have IBS which is a chronic condition which causes cramps, bloating, gas, constipation and diarrhoea.

 

Most of my days are spent with people asking me if I’m being sick, because I spend half of my life in the bathroom, when really I’m opening my bowels.

They’ll ask, ‘Are you ok? Are you being sick?’

 

YES THAT’S IT. SICK. I’M BEING SICK. YOU CAN’T HELP ME – SO PLEASE GO AWAY AND LET ME SH- SORRY, BE SICK!

 

Yeah it’s not great, especially when your favourite fetish is anal sex!

She then goes on to explain how to go about anal sex if you suffer from this.

This is a nightmare. I thought Marie Claire where I could get tips on what handbag will easily take me from the office to a holiday party…

I don’t feel the need to rehash all of her tips here, but essentially they all revolve around not crapping yourself during anal sex.

For example:

Sort yourself out: Please for the love of god, go to the loo beforehand! We’ve all heard the stories of just how messy it can get – so why risk it? Go to the bathroom and scrub up nicely.

Be strategic: Time when you eat and choose what you eat carefully. You do not want to have an urge to shit yourself halfway through the act. Nor do you want your partner to pass out after you’ve passed wind.

I’m not kidding. These are “tips.” All of them are like this. They’re all about not taking a dump during sex. HOW AND WHY IS THIS ENJOYABLE FOR ANYONE?!

Marie Claire, please, please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, stick to handbags!